It's getting harder and harder to say good bye to everyone.

I am not someone who likes to talk about my feelings. I don't do the whole showing people I care thing. So now I'm really trying to open up and let the people in my life know that I care about them. It's really hard. So many times I can't find the words. I'm not even sure exactly what most of the people in my life mean to me.

The book I'm reading right now is helping me to deal with it though. Thich Nhat Hahn, The art of Power. He speaks about being fully present with those you love and really being mindful of the time you spend together. That way when one of you is gone, you won't feel any regret for not expressing your love to them. So thinking about that helps me know that I can show my loved ones how I feel

Endings and Beginnings

So I leave Edmonton in 21 days and it's really starting to hit me. I'm finishing up all my unfinished business, making sure to spend time with the people I care about, getting rid of any stuff that isn't important,slowly packing things away, and getting ready for a whole new kind of life. It feels a little bit like I'm preparing to die, like I've been given 21 days to live and now I'm trying to squeeze it all in. I'm not feeling sad, just different, and it's made me think a lot about life and death lately. I realize that although I'm not afraid of dying, I have a lot to do before I'd feel ready for that. I have much to accomplish and many people to help before my time here is done. That's why I'm so grateful for the UBBT and for Sifu Brinker, without them pushing me, it'd take way longer to get these things done. The more goals I reach, the closer all the other ones appear. It's pretty cool.

28 days

So vacation was nice. Too short, but nice. Now I'm finding it a little bit difficult to get back into the groove. I've just been doing to bare minimum for my requirements since I got back. I'm not really falling behind but I'm certainly not gaining and I'm not very excited about it either. I think I just need a really tough class to push me and get me pumped up again. I'm hoping BJJ class on Tuesday will fit the bill. I'd say Muay Thai too but I'm too chicken because it tends to be really intense no matter what.

I did have a really relaxing time and I'm glad that I got to spend more time with my family. I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I'm going to miss them when I leave. It makes me feel sad so I try not to dwell on it but I am aware that it's inevitable, I'm going to get sad sometimes. I hope that having skype will make it a little less painful and I'm relieved that we'll be coming back in February for a visit. Until we leave my plan is just to cherish every moment we have.

Vacation!!!

I leave for a short vacation the day after tomorrow. This will be the first family vacation I've gone on since I was a teenager I think. I'm SO excited! I'll continue to train while I'm away but I admit I'm excited to let some of the bruises fade and not get thrown or squished for a few days. I plan to keep up with my push-ups and sit-ups, miles, sparring, forms, and acts of kindness. I'd also like to spend some time on my tai chi form, it needs work.

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess what else? The place we're staying at has a HOT TUB......

Honor

Around the time I started this blog I wrote a post about keeping promises to myself. I mentioned that I'd heard that every time you break a promise to yourself, you lose trust in yourself. I'd decided to rebuild that trust by purposely making and keeping promises to myself. Well it's been over a year since then and I notice a big difference in the way I act and feel.

I want people to know that if I say I will do something, I'll do it. I have proven to myself and others that I can be relied on to keep my word. The UBBT has helped me with this by forcing me to make a lot of sacrifices in order to do what I set out to do. This means a lot to me. I am much more honest and I approach things with more depth and seriousness than I did previously. I can no longer casually agree to something and then flake out later on. That would be dishonorable. Maybe it is an old fashioned concept but I think that I have regained some honor. I mean, who really has, or cares about, honor anymore? Not many people ever think about it. I do though and it's something that becomes more and more important to me every day.

On a side note, I want to thank Sifu Brinker for helping me put things in perspective last week. You are one of the most honorable people I have ever met.

Dealing with stress

On Thursday I had a really intense 2 hour BJJ class. I basically got beat down the whole time, which is what happens pretty much every time I go to that class, but it's not usually such a long class. Well after that I was too tired and discouraged to do a Muay Thai class. I was dissapointed in myself though. Then when I went home I added up all my hours and I'm just half done my BJJ requirements and a quarter on the Muay Thai. Well all of that piled on top of the stress of getting ready for a 5 year trip and I had a bit of a meltdown. I've been overwhelmed at more than one point on this journey before but this was really discouraging. I realized that I still have a ridiculous amount of work ahead of me and only about 6 weeks to do it all in. It seems impossible.

First, I talked to my mom about it and she gave me some wise words and loving encouragement. Then I called Sifu Brinker and scheduled a meeting with him. We talked about where I was with my goals and what I had already achieved. He brought up the progress I'd made since Mel and I came back from China and reminded me that without all these overwhelming goals, I would probably never have gotten this far in my training. As usual, he's right.

Well, I feel a lot better now. It's still a stressful situation but I've put it in perspective. I'm still going to try really hard reach my goals but I know that whether I do or not, I'll have done my best and improved a lot.

Wow. It's less than 2 months now until I leave for China. I still have a lot to do. I'm getting really excited but I'm also realizing how far behind I am on certain things. There's a lot of preparation that still needs to be done, not to mention all my student UBBT requirements.

Lately I've been feeling really frustrated with my requirements. BJJ and Muay Thai are a lot of fun but they are taking up most of my training time. I feel like my kung fu is falling by the wayside. I'm only around halfway done my BJJ requirement and even father behind on the Muay Thai so I really need to focus on that stuff if I'm to have any chance at all to succeed in my goals. I do have kung fu related goals but except for sparring they don't require a partner or teacher so I'm on track with those. I find that the requirements that I need a partner for are the hardest to manage. I have a hard time asking others to help me with stuff like this I guess. That's why I'm so glad Sifu Prince suggested our wednesday night sparring sessions. Besides that, they're a lot of fun.

I keep telling myself that I'll be doing kung fu full time for the next five years and to just be patient but I admit that I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself over the whole thing. I just really love kung fu and when I don't have time to practice I really miss it. It's like an old friend that never lets you down and is always there for you when you need it, even if you neglect it for a while.

On a side note Muay thai class on Thursday was insane! We did a circuit with about 20 stations and each station was a minute of whatever the activity was and then a minute of skipping rope with a 15 second break in between. I hate skipping and by the end it was actually a relief to just skip rope for a minute. I've never thrown up from exercise before but I was pretty close at the end of that class. So even though it's not kung fu it is a really good workout.