It's been raining off and on this week which is great because we got to sleep in for 2 days (YES!) and also because it's really cooled off. I started sleeping with a sheet covering me instead of just a thin sarong and I no longer wake up at night all sweaty.

We've been roped into doing another of those performances that I love so much (she said with heavy sarcasm) so I'll probably be heading off to Beijing for a few days in about 2 weeks. In the meantime, we'll be wasting (ahem, I mean spending...yeah...) our time on preparations for said performance. Half the class just got back from a big performance on Thursday too. This year has seemed like a big time waster in a lot of ways so I've been trying to focus on what I need to work on as much as I can when I get some time. I also try to spend my time outside of class on fruitful things like studying chinese, learning about the history and theory of martial arts and daoism, and not going crazy! Staying positive is the biggest challenge right now, I perform these mental gymnastics to force myself to see some benefit to what we're doing, but it's impossible to maintain that mindset in the midst of the relentless disappointment that we're all facing right now.

Looking back on my blog posts from this year you can really see the ups and downs. I think to some extent that is natural in a situation like this....but that doesn't comfort me anymore. I've become an expert at latching on to some little thing to keep me going through the hard times but I think I've pretty much realized that any optimism is only a temporary pick-me-up until the next disappointment comes along. The best way to deal that I've come up with is to stop caring at all, but it's not natural for me to be apathetic, I have to force myself to feel that way in order to just get through it.

This post is a downer I'm sure but some posts you write for others and some are for yourself, this one is for me. I feel like all the things that are important to me, in training and even in life, are fundamentally different from what is important to shifu. This means that what our training focuses on is rarely what I feel I need anymore and shifu is really not interested in hearing what I think or in changing anything.

We only have 1 more year left, I constantly question whether it is worth hanging on or should I just cut my losses and leave? I know I have a tendency in life to keep going for far longer on a certain path than I should, is this one of those times? I don't know.....

I've never been so open about these feelings before. We all question why we're here when times are tough but tough times are starting to run together to the point where I wonder if there are any good times left.

We learned the fan form this week (Heaven and Earth Fan) while the rest of our class was in Beijing doing some T.V. appearance. It was a nice week, nice to learn something new and also to have a break from being part of the "class" which can be pretty trying at times. The training format was a lot more relaxed and doing fan is actually really fun. I have to admit I wasn't super excited about learning this form, it's not part of our curriculum and it's from another mountain in northern China, Gansu province. It's also a form that tons of Chinese women learn because it's pretty and feminine (at least in their minds) and so it seems a bit silly to me at times. After learning it though, I can see the appeal, it's fun, not too hard, and there's something satisfying about the sound the fan makes when you open it. I'm not under any illusions as to its applicability "on the streets" but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy it. 

It's started to cool off slightly at night now so the early (6 am) class is actually comfortable for practicing. Hallelujah! The end is near....

Still hot...still melting...

I had a good stretching day this week where Mel pushed me down in the splits, personal best. The benefit to melting....you get softer, like an ice cream...mmmm...ice cream....

Today I found 50 yuan in my pocket. Awesome.

Went swimming yesterday afternoon in the local stream, what a relief! I think I'll go again today.

Next week I learn the fan form while Shifu's away with a few classmates for a performance, I should have more interesting updates then.

It is HOT HOT HOT!!!!

This is the hottest summer here in years (and that's saying something, b/c they're all hot) and although it sucks, I'm handling it pretty well I think. I'm quite proud of myself for the serenity with which I've handled this whole thing, I've had a few grouchy days but overall, much improved. I always warn people not to mess with me in a Wudang summer, I know it's not a good time for me and I just try to get through is as quickly as possible but this year has been better. I'm not sure if it has to do with some things I've been reading, meditation, or just some shift in perspective, but I'm glad.

I just hope I haven't jinxed it by writing this, knock on wood!